


I Need You

by 0_0whut0_0



Series: To Live and Love [2]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Drama & Romance, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-13 01:06:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10503246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0_0whut0_0/pseuds/0_0whut0_0
Summary: A sick friend has Gilbert and Matthew going to Germany, however many new complications arise that they must face together in order to be happy. Nikolas is finally free from his old life, and Mathias just wants them to finally be happy, but that thing called life always has a way of screwing that little thing called happiness up. Sequel to Ensnared!





	1. Floating

_ Floating. Floating on top of... Something. Water? No. Water would have killed me. I haven't suffocated yet. I wouldn't be able to hear these voices. Air? Hmm. No. It is too heavy to be air.  _

_ My head hurts. Maybe I should stop trying to think.  _

_... _

_ " _ Nikolas?"

_ Oh. That voice again. That voice makes my chest hurt. It makes it hard to breathe. But I like it.  _

"Nikolas?"

_ What? All you say is my name. Is that my name? You sound so sad. Do I know you? I like your voice.  _

_ " _ Nikolas?"

_ Please don't be sad anymore. Your voice is heavy, but it's so nice, like the rain. What does rain feel like? It seems I have forgotten. Will you tell me?  _

"Nikolas?"

_ Ah. Something's wrong. My hand. It feels... Different. It is warm. It's shaking. Are you crying? Why? If you cry, I can't hear your pretty voice. It gets all rough.  _

_ " _ N...Ni-k?"

_ Please. I need to hear your voice. Please don't cry. Tell me about... Anything. I want to hear your voice. Please. Your voice is rough. Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry. I just wanted to hear your voice.  _

**...**

"Let me get this straight." Arthur sat with his arms crossed at the white glass dining room table with Matthew and Gilbert sitting across from him. Matthew had a gleam of determination in his eyes, but Gilbert only looked down at the plain table. "You want to fly, by yourself, all the way to Germany with Gilbert, just because you want to 'get to know his home country better'?" 

Gilbert gulped, and Matthew took his hand in his. "Yes." He said, adding a nod for emphasis. "And we haven't gotten to spend that much time together since he got here, and I've never been out of Canada. It might be good for me." Matthew added. 

Arthur sighed and tilted his head back and groaned. "I did promise to give Gilbert a chance."

Matthew and Gilbert smiled at each other, although Matthew's was slightly bigger and hugged. 

"Oh and Gilbert." Gilbert unattached himself from Matthew and nearly wet himself from the look Arthur was giving him. "If you hurt my little boy again, I swear you will come back from Germany a lesser man, or not really a man at all."

"Y-yes sir..."

.

Once they were in the safety of Matthew's room, Gilbert took the others thin hand in his own and put it on his face and closed his eyes. Gilbert felt Matthew’s body come closer and press into him, his head fitting perfectly into the crook of the tallers neck. His other hand came in between them and held Gilbert’s shirt tightly, as if Gilbert would try and run away. Gilbert wrapped an arm around Matthew’s thin, too thin, waist, and held him close. 

"Birdie?" Gilbert whispered, as if he would scare him away if he spoke too loud.

Matthew looked up at Gilbert  with those perfect violet eyes, and Gilbert almost didn't ask the question he felt he had to ask.

"What happened after I left?" Almost immediately he regretted asking. Matthew’s eyes fell and he closed in on himself. He clutched at his wrists and twisted. Gilbert’s heart almost broke in two when he took a step away from him. He's never taken a step away from Gilbert.

"Um... I... It..." Matthew began to rub his arms up and down. Up and down. Tears came to his eyes and he looked up at Gilbert and something in him snapped. 

Gilbert had betrayed him. His precious Birdie. Gilbert had hurt him in a way that nobody had before. Now and when he left. 

Gilbert found myself running forward and holding Matthew in his arms. Matthew clung to the other for dear life and gasped for breath. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up like that. I'm so sorry."

Matthew sighed and curled himself into Gilbert's arms. "I'll tell you, when you tell me why you left, okay?" Gilbert smiled and kissed Matthew softly.

"Alright." 

...


	2. Funny Business

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Italicized portions are just Nikolas' thoughts, what he is hearing.

_ My head rang and every noise sent sharp spikes of pain into my skull behind my closed eyes. The nice floating sensation had all but left me, making me feel heavy and exhausted even though I had been doing nothing but sleeping for God knows how long. _

_ My body ached in a way that it never had. I was not especially painful, but rather a dull throb, like if someone was pressing on a nearly healed bruise incessantly.  _

_ I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, feeling more comfortable in this throbbing, half healed state than had been in a long time, than I can ever remember being in fact. I wanted to lie here, wherever I was forever and forget about everything and everyone. Maybe I could. _

_ I was just so tired. _

_ I could just lie here and waste away, becoming less than I already was. I didn’t have to wake up. Maybe whoever was up there would take pity on me, and let me die here, comfortably and in silence, than in agony and in the hands of  that man _ _like I deserved._ _ Please? Let me go? Pleaseplease _ **_please-_ **

_ My thoughts were cut short when I felt something warm on my cheeks. Had I been crying? This was too heavy to be tears, to rough. Then I heard the warm voice. The same one I whom had been with me this entire time. The one whose name or face I could not name or see, but my heart ached to remember. _

“It’s okay Nikolas. You’ll be okay.” _My lips were suddenly surrounded by an intense warmth, that of which spread throughout my body and made my heart pound._ “I’m here, no one will ever touch you again.”

_ I was overcome with a sudden calmness. I trusted him. His voice, his words filled me with such warmth I almost burst. Even without knowing his name, I knew I loved him.  _

_ I… I wanted to see him. I  **needed** to see him. I wanted to leave my eternal sleep to see this voice that brought me to the brink of tears, who had brought me this warmth when I had been left cold and slaughtered. I wanted to see him, to breathe him in. I took a sharp breath and braced myself for the worst. He would probably reject me once I awoke. I had too much baggage, I was too emotional, I wasn’t pure, I was tainted, disgusting, worthless. _

“Nikolas?”

_ He touched my hand, and his beautiful voice called out my filthy name. He tugged at it gently. Did he want to see me too? Want to talk to me? Why? _

_ I could see shreds of light coming through the slits in my eyes and it burned and it made my eyes water. I groaned and held onto the hand tighter. I could hear his breathing get faster. Suddenly he called out. _

“B-Berwald!” _His voice cracked, and something clattered from far away._ “Tino! Come up here!” T _he weight on the bed shifted and I felt something soft move over my hands as he spoke_. “C’mon Nikolas.” _His voice cracked again, and I thought that my hand felt wet. Was he crying. For me_? “Please wake up.” 

_I heard two sets of footsteps approach my right and then a new, slightly panicked and higher pitched voice._ “What is it?” _They sounded out of breath_. “Is something wrong?”

_I felt bad for worrying him. Is seemed I could do nothing but wrong. The other boy didn’t not answer. A second voice chimed in, this one heavier and much more accented._

“Wh’s g’in ‘n?”

_ These voices. They were all so achingly familiar. Berwald? My jaw clenched. Deep blue eyes seared into my mind. _

“Ber!” _The first one gasped_ , “I think he’s trying to wake up!”

T-Tino? _Tears pricked my unopened eyes. A bright smile flashed behind my lids and kind words that I didn’t deserve rang in my ears._

“Nikolas. Please.”

_ My eyes flew open. Sobs tore from my throat. My clouded vision could look at nothing but him. His bright blue eyes, his beautiful skin, his disheveled, but perfect hair. I love him. Oh God, I love him.  _

“Mathias.”

...

Dinner at the Kirkland- Bonnefoy residence was an awkward affair to say the least. Alfred insisted upon sitting next to Matthew, and Arthur was already sat down, so Gilbert had no choice but to sit diagonally from Matthew and next to Alfred and Arthur. Alfred kept glaring at him and Arthur  was reading the newspaper and attempting conversation. Gilbert tried his best to engage and show Arthur he was a good boyfriend, but he and Arthur were complete opposites, and Matthew was too invested in the pancakes he was eating. Yes, they were eating pancakes for dinner. No one but Gilbert thought that was strange it seemed. Matthew was eating them as if he hadn’t eaten in days, which, Gilbert thought with a painful twist in his gut, was probably true. Alfred for once ate slowly, but the bites were huge and syrup dripped all over his chin. Arthur ate like a true gentleman, and, finally sensing the atmosphere, stopped talking. Gilbert just picked at his food until he felt someone nudge his foot. He looked to Matthew and raised his eyebrow.

Matthew’s plate was completely empty, syrup and all. He made a small gesture with his head and smiled making Gilbert’s heart melt. He nodded. They both stood simultaneously, and Matthew grabbed the plates and put them into the sink saying; “Gil and I are gonna head on up, kay?” He grabbed Gilbert’s hand and tugged him up the stairs. 

Arthur hummed in response. When they got halfway up they got an actual response. “No funny business, you got it?”

Matthew giggled, and Gilbert’s heart fluttered. “Yeah, yeah.” He called back. He tugged Gilbert harder, trying to get him to move faster. Gilbert’s heart was pounding and his entire body was getting warmer, especially his… lower… regions. 

Matthew pulled him into his room and shut and lock the door, never locking the door. He turned around and giggled again, his violet eyes of fire, as if the sun were setting within them. Gilbert smirked and wrapped an arm around Matthew hip and pulled him flush against himself.

“What’s gotten into you tonight, Birdie?” He whispered, his mouth dangerously close to Matthew’s.

To Gilbert’s surprise, Matthew’s face turned very red and he buried his face into Gilbert’s shoulder. Gilbert could even see his ears turning red. “Y-you just seem so upset.” Came his muffled voice. Gilbert demeanor melted like butter and he smiled. “I-I wanted to do something that would make you feel better, b- but this is so embarrassing!” Matthew whined. “I’m so useless. I- I can’t even seduce my own boyfriend!” He exclaimed, throwing his arms up in the air.

“Birdie.” Gilbert said, grabbing Matthew’s shoulders. He was ashamed to say it, but he could feel his pants tighten even more during Matthew’s awkward little speech, and even now looking at his red face. “First of all, I am thoroughly seduced.” He said. When Matthew didn’t seem to believe him he grabbed his hand and firmly planted it on his crotch. Matthew gave him a look of surprise.

“How?”

Gilbert leaned forward and kissed Matthew softly. “Guess I just have a thing for awkward blondes.” He cupped Matthew’s face with both of his hands a little longer than before. “Second. Thank you for making me feel better. Sorry I’ve been such a downer. You don’t want that, Lilly wouldn’t want that. Thank you, Birdie. I love you.” He kissed Matthew again, this time with much more force. 

Matthew stumbled backwards at the force of the kiss, gasping, until his back hit the door behind him. Gilbert’s tongue met Matthew’s in a feverish dance of give and take, love and lust, submission and dominance. Gilbert’s hands slid down until they were just under Matthew’s bottom, where it connected to the thigh and lifted him. Matthew wound his arms around his neck, and buried his fingers in Gilbert’s hair. His legs wrapped around Gilbert’s torso as his hips snapped down, his groin rubbing against Gilbert’s, making both of them moan.

“Bed.” Matthew gasped out, as Gilbert attacked his neck leaving as many marks as he could. 

“Your dad said no funny business.” Gilbert rasped out, his voice husky, all the while carrying Matthew to the white bed and ripping the white comforter off before laying Matthew down gently.

Matthew’s eyes glinted and he flipped them until he straddled Gilbert hips and ground down onto Gilbert again. “I’m completely serious.”

…

“I called Emil.” Tino said softly, not wanting to disturb the two boys.

Mathias and Nikolas laid on the bed underneath the covers, neither one of them said a word in response. Nikolas still had a yellow bruise on his face where Amos had punched him, and the back of his head still hurt from where he had hit the ground. He had dark rings under his eyes like he hadn’t been in a coma for nearly a month, but his eyes were sharp and focused and the icy blue that Mathias remembered.

Mathias brought his hand up slowly and gently folded through the others overgrown hair. Nikolas briefly closed his tired eyes and sighed, moving his head into Mathias’ touch. He tightened his grip on Mathias’ shirt and Mathias moved closer, because Nikolas didn’t have the strength to do so. Nikolas snuggled his head into Mathias’ chest and closed his eyes. He felt arms wrap around him as he fell into the clutches of sleep. 


	3. What Am I Going to Do With You?

When Matthew awoke the next morning, he was cold, a rare occurrence since he and Gilbert had been allowed to see each other. He frowned to himself and shifted his arm around, searching for Gilbert without opening his eyes, only to come in contact with air and a cold bed. He huffed. He sat up and crossed his arms over his bare chest, pouting to no one in particular.  _ Why would Gilbert just leave without saying goodbye? _ He thought to himself. He sighed and reached for his glasses only to find something stuck on them. A note written in Gilbert’s crude handwriting. He held it close to his face and read it.

 

**_Birdie,_ **

**_I had to go home and pack a few more things at home. Totally boring and unawesome stuff. You were so comfortable looking and adorable I didn’t want to wake you. I will ask Toni and Lovi to help me, so don’t worry about the awesome me, kay?_ **

**_Eat a good breakfast, we have a long flight!_ **

**_Love, the most awesome boyfriend in the universe,_ **

**_Gil_ **

 

Matthew laughed softly and tucked the note into his bedside table before sliding his glasses on. He rubbed his wrists absentmindedly before yawning and slipping out of bed. He quickly changed out of his boxers, which he had put on after he and Gilbert's previous… activities, and into his customary loose long sleeve shirt and red maple leaf hoodie. He was about to put of his usual pair of unshapely jeans, when he remembered something that Gilbert had bought him awhile ago. 

He dug further into his drawer and pulled out a black pair of skinny jeans and tugged them on. Matthew turned towards his mirror after finally getting the stubborn button to clasp, and was shocked. “Hm.” He hummed to himself. He turned to see how his butt looked. “Not too-”

“Dude, what’re you doing?” 

Matthew squeaked and faced his door, where Alfred stood, leaning against the doorframe, smirking in that way only siblings could. Matthew felt a blush rise to his cheeks. “No- nothing.” He whispered, looking at the floor. 

Alfred laughed loudly and walked into Matthew’s room and plopped onto his messy bed. Matthew half heartedly glared at his brother. “Sure, you can come in.” Alfred only smiled in response, so Matthew just rolled his eyes then went to his closet to find a suitcase. 

“So.” Alfred said, leaning back on his hands. Something about Alfred’s tone made Matthew stop looking and glance at his brother with worry. 

“So?” 

Alfred rubbed the back of his neck. “Germany, huh?” Matthew nodded and pulled a large suitcase from the closet and set it on the bed next to Alfred. Alfred sighed and nodded as well, not meeting Matthew’s eyes. He was looking at the picture on the nightstand instead. 

It was an old photo, with creased edges and one of the corners was torn off. It was of a bunch of boys sitting on or in front of a fence with a large field in the background thick with daisies and other flowers. Gilbert had his arm around a small but stern looking blonde kid who had his arms crossed. Lovino looked exactly like this other kid in the photo except the other kid was smiling and hanging off of Matthew and was smiling. Everyone was smiling.

Alfred took it off the nightstand. “You still have this old thing?” 

Matthew looked up from where he was folding clothes and putting them into the suitcase. “Hm? Yeah. I don’t really remember everyone in it though, except for Antonio, Lovino, you, and of course Gil.” Matthew said with a smile. 

Alfred tightened his grip on the frame. Gilbert. It always came back to him. Even when they were little, it was always about Gilbert. Now his big brother was going all the way to Germany for stupid Gilbert. 

“Why him?” Alfred whispered so quietly, he could have been talking to himself. 

Matthew only paused for a second before continuing. “What do you mean?” He zipped the suitcase and placed it on the ground, then came to sit next to Alfred, who was shaking. Matthew reached for Alfred’s hand. “Alfr-” 

Suddenly Alfred jerked up and threw the frame across the room. It slammed against the wall and the glass shattered. Matthew covered his mouth. “Alfred!” He yelled, his voice at the normal volume people talk at. “Why did you do that?” Alfred paced back and forth, his blue eyes darting back and forth, like he was a caged animal. Matthew pushed his shoulder roughly. “Alfred!” 

Alfred stumbled back only a step. Matthew was not as strong as he used to be. “Why does it have to be Gilbert?!” He yelled back. Matthew opened his mouth to answer, but Alfred wouldn’t let him. “He’s no good for you! He already made you have a breakdown because of his carelessness, so how can I trust him in Germany with you?”

Matthew broke in, his right hand clutching his left wrist. “How was he supposed to know that was going to happen? And if you don’t trust him, then trust me!”

Alfred ground his teeth in frustration. “You don’t understand, Mattie!” Matthew’s eyes flashed with anger. “He didn’t have to see you cry that day when he left. He didn’t even care. He just left! He didn’t see what a mess he made of you when you were in your room for so long that I forgot what you looked like, even though you look just like me.” Matthew’s right hand began to twist on his wrist, but Alfred paid no attention to it. To him it was just something that Matthew did when he got upset. “Even when we were kids he didn’t care. He just used you, because he couldn’t make other friends.” Alfred laughed humorlessly. Matthew had switched to twisting his other wrist, but Alfred was on a roll. “I bet he’s still using you!” Matthew’s hands suddenly stopped moving and his eyes widened. 

“What?” Matthew asked, flatly.

Alfred smiled sadistically. “I bet he is just using you for your body, cause no one in their right mind would sleep with him!” 

A sharp pain suddenly came from Alfred’s right cheek, and the sound of the slap echoed in the room. Alfred blinked rapidly, as though he were coming out of a trance. When his eyes came back into focus, his heart stopped and his stomach dropped to his feet. Matthew had tears forming in the corners of his eyes and his lips shook.

“Mat-”

“So you’re saying I’m not in my right mind? That I’m crazy?” Matthew began to scratch at his arms. Alfred took a step forward, but Matthew took a step back. “Fine then.” He brushed past Alfred. “If that’s what it takes to be with Gilbert, so be it.” He said quietly. Matthew bent down and grabbed the photo out of the broken glass. He silently placed it back onto his table before turning back to Alfred. “Is there anything else you need?” He asked, his hands twitching. 

“Mattie, I didn’t mean-” He stopped, his eyes widening with horror. “Mattie, you’re bleeding!” Matthew’s eyes snapped down to his hands. 

Blood was trickling down his palms and dripping off his fingertips and splattering onto the floor. His heart began to beat frantically. Alfred could not find out about this, especially after the fight they just had.  “Get out.” He whispered. Alfred opened his mouth to protest but Matthew locked eyes with him and screamed as loud as he could. “GET OUT!” 

Alfred’s mouth snapped closed and he ran out of Matthew’s room, slamming the door behind him. Matthew waited until he heard a second door close before he slowly made his way to his bed and reached under it, taking out a first aide kit, and oddly enough, another note from Gilbert. 

 

**_Birdie,_ **

**_I restocked this, because you were running out of those neat little wipe things and that liquid that burns when you put it onto open wounds, because it only makes sense to have things hurt twice, right?_ **

**_Anyway, I put more bandages in here, and some more pain killer medicine. Also, you need to go to the pharmacy to pick up more of your prescription medication, because I doubt they will let me do that for you. You are almost out, okay?_ **

**_Hopefully you won’t need this box as much now that I’m around, yeah?_ **

**_Gilbert out!_ **

**_p.s. I love you!_ **

 

Matthew could not help but smile at the note before opening the lid of the container with slippery fingers. Sure enough, there was a brand new bottle of hydrogen peroxide and some anti bacterial wipes. Gilbert had even placed some larger gauze bandages inside along with smaller ones, which were designed with little chicks all over them. Matthew carefully rolled up his sleeves and hissed slightly. He had rubbed his wrists raw, reopening the cuts that had been healing pretty well up until now. 

He took the bottle out and sprayed the peroxide on the cuts and grunted when he felt the deep sting only peroxide could bring out. Once the sting went down some he dabbed at his wrists with a towel. He chose the bigger gauze like bandages and taped them onto his sore wrists, all with a robotic mentality, without emotion, as part of a routine. Matthew sniffled and tears clouded his vision. He kicked the kit back underneath the bed and wiped his shaky hands.

He unrolled his sleeves and wrapped his arms around his legs, not caring that they burned. He was so tired of crying.

**.(erm meh gerd, so distracted…).**

 

Alfred slammed his door and stomped into his room, still angry and confused. All he had wanted to do was help Matthew, but he just ended up making him cry. And how did he end up bleeding? Alfred yelled in frustration and punched the closest thing to him, which happened to be the wall. Luckily the wall didn’t break, but his hand might have. He hissed in pain and jumped up and down, cradling his throbbing hand.

“Way to go Jones.” He sat on his bed and frowned. “First you hurt your bro, and now yourself.” He mumbled. 

He sighed. All he wanted to do was protect Matthew, because he wasn’t there the first time Matthew really needed help. Well, he was, but obviously he had the comforting skills of a cactus, and they were twice as bad when he was fourteen. 

Matthew had had depression since he was born. Alfred didn’t know how to handle  _ anyone _ with depression, much less a family member. He never knew what to do when Matthew got down, and Alfred guessed, he was just jealous that Gilbert was the only one who was able to get Matthew out of those little moods. Well him and Papa. But when they turned fourteen, Gilbert suddenly disappeared, leaving Matthew almost comatose, and Alfred had no idea what to do. Matthew refused to speak to anyone except for Papa, and Gilbert the few times he called. When Alfred did see or talk to Matthew, he scared the blue eyed boy. He seemed to be… wasting  away. His answers were always overly polite, and he was so thin and pale, and his eyes wouldn’t focus on anything. 

Alfred hated to say it, but Matthew losing his memory was one of the best things that happened to him. After that, he seemed to bounce back. He gained color in his skin, he got new friends like Nikolas and Bella. He talked to Alfred more.He forgot Gilbert. Until a few weeks ago.

So now Alfred was trying to keep Matthew from making the same mistake again. He could not see his brother like that again. But Matthew would not seem to budge. It seemed the more you tried to take Gilbert away from him, the more he wanted him. 

Alfred sighed and tried to flex his fingers. He was met with a sharp pain then more throbbing. “Yep.” He grumbled. “Definitely broken.” 

He lept out of bed and opened his door and came face to face with Matthew, his arm poised to knock. Alfred felt guilt stir in his gut. Matthew’s eyes were red and puffy, and his sleeves were over his hands. 

Matthew put his arm down and put it in his hoodie pocket with his other hand. “Can I come in?” He asked, stepping through the doorway before Alfred answered anyway. 

“Sure.” Alfred said, lamely. 

Matthew walked past Alfred and took a deep breath before facing him. “I listened to what you have to say, now you have to listen to me.  Okay?” Alfred nodded. Matthew swallowed and adjusted his glasses. “I understand that you want what’s best for me Alfred. But, you don’t know what I have gone through.” Alfred opened his mouth. “Let me finish.” Matthew took another breath, and Alfred closed his mouth. “The thing is, only I know what is best for me. And if I made a mistake, then so be it. It’ll be my own blood on my hands, and not anyone else's, okay?” Alfred looked down and nodded. “But,” Alfred looked up and he felt his face soften. Matthew had the most serene smile he had ever seen on his brother. Matthew’s cheeks were light pink, and his eyes had a faraway look in them. “I don’t think I am making a mistake with Gilbert, Alfie. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He makes me… happy.” 

Alfred let out a frustrated groan and flopped onto his bed. “MAAAAN!” Matthew snapped back to reality, and smiled. “I guess this means I gotta deal with him more often.” Matthew laughed and tackled Alfred, only to have Alfred yelp in pain. Matthew backed off quickly and scanned Alfred, before his eyes stopped on his red, swollen fist. 

“What did you do, punch a wall?” Matthew asked softly, taking the hand gently in his own. Alfred blushed and looked away. Matthew sighed and shook his head. “Geez, Alfie. What am I ever gonna do with you?”

**.(I could really go for some nachos).**

 

**WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF SEXUAL ABUSE**

 

When Nikolas woke up, he was alone. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes and yawned. His head was no longer pounding, and the light only hurt his eyes as much as it usually would if he were to wake up on any other morning. He sat up slowly and surveyed the room. It was not, as he thought it was originally, Mathias’ room. This room was slightly smaller and the walls were a cool blue color, not red and tan. It also lacked all of the posters of the rock bands that covered the Danish boys walls. Even the blanket he was using was different. There was a chair at the end of the bed and a book left upside down at the foot of his bed.

He went to scratch his head, but came in contact with a bandage instead. He followed it with his fingers. The tight gauze was wrapped completely around his head, only allowing some of his hair to come out in tufts at the top. Speaking of hair, his had grown out much too long for his tastes. It was almost as long as Matthew’s almost touching his shoulders. 

He took the comforter off off his legs, prepared to get up, when the door swung open, making him snatch it back over him. He almost cried when he saw who entered.

“Emil!” 

His little brother spun around with wide violet eyes and immediately smiled. “Nikolas!” He rushed to his brothers side and hugged him gently. This, in turn, annoyed Nikolas, who hugged Emil with every ounce of strength he had, which, sadly, wasn’t very much. Nikolas held him at arm's length, with his hands on his shoulders, his blue eyes concerned.

“Are you alright?” Nikolas asked. “Are you hurt? Did… did h-he-” 

Emil grabbed Nikolas’ hands and held them with his own. “It’s alright, brother. I got away in time. I am fine.” He explained, hugging Nikolas once again. Nikolas tucked his head into Emil’s neck. 

“Thank God.” He said, his voice heavy. 

Once they separated Emil sat back in his chair and closed the book. Then they just talked. They talked about nothing in particular, but about everything. They talked about Mathias. They talked about Leon, who Nikolas was very keen on meeting very soon. They talked about school. They talked about Matthew and his trip to Germany. They talked until Nikolas felt to tired to think and his mind began to slow. Emil leaned him further back into his pillows and tucked the blanket under his chin. Nikolas could have imagined it, but he could have sworn he felt something brush against his forehead before sleep completely took him to her dark abyss.

**.(I just remembered. I have a dr. appt. tomorrow. Ugh).**

 

“Did you tell him?” 

Emil looked at the Dane, completely unamused. “No.” He sighed. Mathias visibly deflated. “I didn’t want to stress him out too much with everything.” He began to walk away. “Oh, and I told him that… he didn’t touch me.”

Mathias’ eyes widened. “What? Emil!” 

Emil looked at the floor, ashamed. “I just… I just couldn’t.” His eyes snapped to Mathias. “And you won’t either. He can’t find out. He will never forgive himself.”

Mathias rubbed his eyes and sighed. “He’s going to find out eventually. If he asks me flat out, I will tell him the truth. He’s been told enough lies.”

Emil’s eyes flashed defiantly, but he nodded. “Fine.” He began to walk down the stairs. “I’ll tell mom to wait another day before coming, so he can be prepared.”

Mathias watched Emil sadly, and walked into Nikolas’ room. He was sleeping soundly, with a small smile on his face. Mathias brushed some hair out of Nikolas’ face softly. 

He would make sure that smile stayed there.


	4. Better Me?

Matthew was nervous. He sat waiting by the front door wringing his hand and shifting in his seat. His luggage was propped up against the wall, waiting expectantly.

Matthew knew his nerves were pointless, and that Gilbert would come. He still had ten minutes before he would be late. Yet, somewhere in the back of his mind, Matthew feared that Gilbert wouldn’t. That he would leave him again. Of course Matthew  _ knew _ that he wouldn’t do that, not again, but… what if he did?

He shook his head. ‘ _ No, he wouldn’t… couldn’t do that to me.’  _ He sighed again, putting his arms around his waist, hugging himself protectively. Then he let out a breathy laugh. ‘ _ Not without warning at least, but I would understand. He’ll leave one day anyway, for someone better, someone without so much baggage. Someone who’s better looking...’ _

Matthew groaned out loud, and glanced to that dreaded door. He looked at the time on his phone. Five minutes. ‘ _ He’s sure cutting in close…’ _ He tried to take his mind off of his worries by messing around on his phone and pacing, which only succeeded in making him even more anxious. Two minutes.

He scrubbed his hands through his messy hair, and began to whisper a mantra over and over. “He’s coming, he’s coming, he’s coming…”

30 seconds.

He gripped his wrist and winced, so he switched to wringing his hands together again. His breath began to come faster, in short gasps. His ears started to ring. He strode to the door and grasped the brassy door knob. He was going to go find him. He had to find him.

As soon as his hand touched the knob, someone knocked, and everything went silent and still within Matthew. He closed his eyes and took one, two, three calming breaths. He swung open the door and smiled as though he wasn’t just having a meltdown a few seconds ago. Of course he came.

Gilbert stood in front of him, his chest heaving and his face beet red. He took a few gasping breaths before attempting to speak. “S-sorry I’m late…” Gilbert leaned heavily against the doorframe. “Lost track… oh god… of time.” 

Matthew smiled wider and leaned forward to kiss Gilbert’s flushed and damp cheek. He grabbed the handle of his suitcase and stepped out of his house, closing the door behind him. “It’s alright. No big deal.” He lied with a shrug. He slipped his keys out of his pocket, and looked back at the nearly recovered Gilbert. “You comin’ slowpoke?”

…

 

“I can feed myself, Mathias.” Nikolas grumbled. Mathias nudged at the others stubbornly closed mouth with the warm spoon which dripped with salty broth. 

“I know, but I think this is fun.” Mathias smiled his million watt smile, and Nikolas almost melted. Instead he raised his pale eyebrow. “C’mon,” Mathias sighed. “Gimme this. I just wanna take care of you.” He pouted, pulling his arm down.

Nikolas rolled his bright blue eyes, and opened his mouth with a sigh of defeat. 

Mathias gasped happily, and practically shoved the spoon into Nikolas’ mouth, effectively choking him. Nikolas coughed and gasped for air as the broth dripped and splattered over everything.

Mathias dropped the spoon in a blind panic. “Oh no, Nikolas! I’m so sorry.” He tried to pat Nikolas on the back and wipe up the spilled liquid at the same time, which resulted in him just flailing his arms about uselessly. It didn’t help that he kept apologizing over and over, not allowing Nikolas to get a word in.

Once Nikolas got his breath back he grabbed Mathias by his face, rubbing his thin thumbs over his embarrassed red cheeks until Mathias looked at him. “Mathias, I’m fine. I’m not made of glass. I can handle a little bit of warm broth.”

Mathias pushed himself forward until his forehead rested against the others. He held Nikolas’ hands to his face by gently touching his slender wrists. “I just want you to be okay.” He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. “I was so scared that I had lost you.” His voice shook. I don’t know what I would have done then.”

Nikolas brushed his lips over Mathias’ before he spoke. “You would have kept living like you have been.” Mathias’ eyes burst open. “You would have lived happily and without thought of me. You would have found someone else. That’s how I would have wanted it.”

Mathias felt his eyes itch with tears. “I don’t know if that would have been possible. Now that I have felt how good it feels to be with you, I can’t just…” He took a shuttering breath. “I can’t live without you.”

Nikolas exhaled in a heavy pant. He opened his mouth to protest, but couldn’t think of anything to say. How could he argue with that? Not when Mathias looked at him with those searing blue eyes that glistened with so much sadness and determination. So he didn’t say anything. 

He tipped Mathias’ chin down and lightly kissed Mathias. With a small jolt, he realized this was the first time they had kissed since he woke up, so he brought Mathias closer to kiss him harder. 

Mathias let out a sharp gasp and backed away, making Nikolas let out a small whine. “What?” He breathed, not letting the hurt he felt hide. He tried to bring him close again, but Mathias resisted. 

“Nik…” Mathias whispered, his voice pleading.

Nikolas opened his eyes and looked at Mathias, confused and heartbroken. “What?” He asked again, gently tugging Mathias forward. “Why won’t you kiss me, or touch me?” His voice cracked. “Have I become that repulsive?”

Nikolas finally brought Nikolas closer. “No. No Nik.” His voice was thick with guilt. “I just don’t want to get carried away. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Nikolas nearly sobbed with want. “I can handle this, please Mathias.” He closed his eyes as Mathias’ lips got closer. “Please.” He whispered again when Mathias hesitated. He felt the glorious brush of the others lips against his and he pressed forward and-

The door burst open.

Mathias jumped away, his cheeks flaming.

Nikolas grit his teeth and looked to the door, where Emil stood, the boy’s cheeks a bit red from embarrassment. Emil was out of breath and flustered, his hair was a mess. All the anger drained from Nikolas, and was replaced with concern. “Emil, what’s wrong?”

Emil looked to Mathias, then to Nikolas, then back to Mathias. “She’s here.” Mathias stiffened. “Nik’s father is talking to her.”

Nikolas looked at Emil and Mathias, confused. “Who’s here?” When neither of them answered, he asked again with more force. “Who’s she, Emil?”

Emil looked at his feet guiltily. “Mother.” He muttered.

Nikolas felt the blood drain from his face, and his fingers grow cold. Then heated, searing rage flooded his veins. “She will not see me like this.” He whispered with conviction. He flipped his blankets off of himself. Mathias rushed forward, and Nikolas stopped him with a pointed look. “Unless you’re helping me stand, don’t touch me.” He only let himself feel a moment of guilt at the expression on Mathias face. He would apologize later. He swung his legs over the edge of his bed, grunting with effort. He shivered when his feet touched the cold floor. He struggled like a newborn to stand on his wobbly and thin legs. He fell forward, and half expected to fall to the floor, but of course, Mathias caught him. Nikolas looked at him, hoping Mathias wouldn’t force him back into the bed. He would have to kiss him silly later because of what Mathis said next.

“Let’s go see your mother.”

…

 

“You okay?” Gilbert asked, taking Matthew’s trembling hand with his own.

“Yeah.” Matthew breathed. He looked at Gilbert appreciatively, before turning to look at the massive crowd that was the airport. “I haven’t been around this many people in a while is all.” He gripped Gilbert’s hand tighter and stepped further along in the large shiny building, pulling along his suitcase behind him with the hand that wasn’t glued to Gilbert’s.

Gilbert followed, a small smile on his face. Even if the circumstances for their travel weren’t the best, he was still excited to have this alone time with Matthew. He was pulled out of his musings when Matthew asked him a question that he had to repeat because it was too loud to hear him the first time.

“Where do we go since we already have our tickets?”

Gilbert gave the other boy a strange look. “We look for our gate number and go through security.” Matthew nodded in understanding. “Haven’t you flown before?”

Matthew shook his head. “I haven’t needed to since before the accident.” He answered distractedly, trying to find their gate on the giant illuminated board. 

Gilbert felt a twinge of guilt and he must have twitched because Matthew looked at him with a small, sad smile. “ I don’t blame you, Gil.” Gilbert looked down before he turned to the board, immediately finding their gate number. 

“Gate twelve.” He said, tugging Matthew toward the long security line. Matthew sighed and followed. He decided they needed a subject change.

“I love people.” He stated. Gilbert looked back, his smirk back in its place on his mouth, but his eyes betrayed how relieved he really was. 

“Um, why?” Gilbert asked, stopping behind two men, who were also holding hands. One was half asleep against a pillar, and the other was desperately trying to keep him awake. 

Matthew hummed, his gentle violet eyes sweeping the building. “Everyone is so different and special in their own way. I’ve always liked to watch them, and make up a story, a life, for them. I wonder where they are going, and why, who they love. In watching them, I find myself seeing a single thing always in common.” His eyes locked onto Gilbert’s, and the red eyes found that he couldn’t look away as Matthew continued. “We are erred, but that’s what make us so human.”

Gilbert gulped and turned away as his face burned. ‘ _ I wish I could just kiss him senseless right here. Oh GOTT the way he was looking at me. Calm down, calm down…’  _ He thought to himself, willing his face to cool down. “Y- yeah… Very human…” He managed to squeak out.

If he got this flustered by Matthew just looking at him, then this was going to be a very long trip.

 

**.Sexual abuse mentioned.**

 

“Lukas-”

“Don’t call me that.” Nikolas snapped, cutting off his mother. “My name is Nikolas.” He hoped he sounded more intimidating than he felt and looked. The walk down the stairs had been more exhausting than he thought it would have been. Now he sat before his mother, sweat beaded on his forehead, his back slouched. At least he hadn’t lost his breath. The others had left the room, giving the two of them privacy. For once Nikolas didn’t want to be alone. He might have been speaking to his mother, but he never felt so alone.

His mother stiffened and tightened her neatly folded hands. “Nikolas,” she corrected, though her voice was tight. “I do hope you are doing better?”

Nikolas stared at her, dumbfounded. “That’s what you ask?” He questioned. She opened her mouth, but he cut her off again. “Amos beat me into a coma, and that’s all you have to say?”

His mother sighed. “I know you may be feeling hurt, but you must know, I tried my best to keep him in the house that day, but he threatened the worst to me, so I had to let him go.” She waved her hand dismissively.

Nikolas laughed humorlessly. “Threatened?” His mother looked at him with confused pale blue eyes, so unlike his own. “The worst?!” He half shouted. “You wouldn’t know the worst if it hit you like a bus.” His mother’s eyes turned cold.

“And what would you know of the worst?” Nikolas’ eyes snapped to hers, incredulous. “So he smacked you around a bit sometimes. He was just trying to better you.”

“ **_Better_ ** me?” Nikolas’ voice was low and steady. “Was he trying to ‘better me’ when he strapped me to a bed, and  **_raped_ ** me over and over again, for  **_years_ ** ?” He shouted. “I would have  **_begged_ ** for a threat instead.” 

His mother stared at him, her mouth gaping open like a dead fish. Nikolas laughed when he figured out why. “You didn’t know?” 

His mother looked away, at least having the decency to look ashamed. Nikolas cradled his throbbing head in his hands. “Of course you didn’t. Then you would have had to accept it was happening. I’m just the bastard son you wish and want to forget.” His mother stood infuriated.

“I don’t-”

“That’s why you’re here, right?” He asked, looking at her with a sombre smile, his eyes glistening. “To clear your conscious, to move on with your life. You want to be pitied and coddled into thinking it wasn’t your fault too.” Nikolas placed his hands on the armrests of the chair and pushed himself up, and hoped he wasn’t shaking too much. He was shocked to see how small his mother had become. “If that is what you came for, then you came to the wrong place. I will not forgive you, and I will not pity you like others have. I have no more love for someone like you left.” He whispered.

His mother blinked twice, her eyes the size of plates. Then she turned and walked away silently. She would later wonder when she had stopped loving him like a mother, and when he had turned into a man. She would wonder why it hurt so  much not to hear his little voice echoing around the house. She would wonder why she heard sobbing behind her as she left that small house, and her small, tiny son.

…


	5. I Won't Feed You Again

“Now, Birdie, choosing the right seat is paramount for a smooth and painless flight.” Gilbert said to Matthew after a not so great security check. The guards, of course, thought Gilbert a suspicious person, and gave him a full pat down after pulling him out of line. And since Matthew was with him, they gave him one too. Which meant Matthew had to pull his sleeves up because “his arms were suspiciously padded”, only for the guards to look away awkwardly, and Matthew to look down, ashamed at the white bandages plastered over his forearms. 

That was all in the past as Gilbert and Matthew waited to board their 12 hour flight. They sat near the giant glass windows that overlooked the airfield. The sun shown brightly through the window, illuminating Matthew’s blonde hair. Matthew turned in his seat, lifting his leg into the chair to face Gilbert, an amused smirk on his face. “Is it really?”

Gilbert smiled back, glad to see that the whole security debacle hadn’t dampened Matthew’s spirits. He grabbed Matthew’s hand. “Of course it is. Especially a long flight. Not only do you have to worry about where, but who you sit next to.”

Matthew looked down quickly. “I doubt they would even notice me, even if they sat next to me.” 

Gilbert shook his head. “Birdie, Birdie, Birdie… that makes you the perfect flying companion. Nobody likes someone with a big presence on the flight, much less next to them.” Matthew cocked an eyebrow. “And besides… I don’t really want anyone but me to notice you anyway.” Gilbert added quietly, tightening his grip on Matthew’s hand. Matthew smiled.

“I want to sit next to the window.” He said, changing the subject. Gilbert made a sour face. “What? Is that wrong?”

“Well, no…” Gilbert started. “It’s just means that I will have to sit in the middle seat, which has the least room.” Gilbert put his hand to his chin as he thought about it. “But it does mean that I’ll be the only one sitting next to you, and I get both arm rests, not that I would mind sharing it with you.” He reasoned. 

Matthew giggled at how serious Gilbert was thinking about this. “Well, I am honored that you would allow me to share this sacred armrest.” 

Gilbert shrugged. “If you get nothing else in the middle seat, it’s the armrests.” 

“I don’t have to take the window seat, if you would rather take it.” Matthew said, smiling shyly. 

Gilbert ruffled Matthew’s hair. “Honestly, I would rather have the aisle seat. It has the most room. But this is your first flight, so I will make this one exception.”

Matthew snorted. “Why, thank you.” 

They sat in comfortable silence, exchanging small touches; Gilbert passing his hand through Matthew’s hair or Matthew tracing his fingers over the hand that held his. Then Matthew’s stomach let out a monstrous growl, that had multiple heads turning. His face turned bright red, and Gilbert asked through barely restrained laughter if he would like something to eat. 

Matthew nodded meekly, and watched as Gilbert went to one of the many kiosks to purchase some overpriced food. He was content in watching Gilbert’s back, when someone came and stood next to Gilbert. A girl to be precise. A really pretty girl. Matthew sat up a little straighter and his jaw dropped when Gilbert laughed at something the girl said. She then had  _ the audacity  _ to put her hand on his shoulder. He didn’t even notice that Gilbert got stiffer when she touched him, obviously uncomfortable. He just noticed her hand on  _ his  _ boyfriend. The final straw was when she leaned forward, her full chest pressing up against his arm. 

Matthew stood from his chair and sauntered up to Gilbert, trying to be as graceful as possible. The girl only glanced behind her when Matthew was a few feet away, only to do a double take. 

Matthew knew that he was attractive, and he would use it to his advantage. The girl stared at Matthew as he came closer and literally came between the two of them, sliding his arm through Gilbert’s, never taking his eyes off the girl. “Excuse me, miss,” He started sweetly, a small smile on his lips. “but could you please keep your hands off of  _ my  _ boyfriend?” He asked, his smile cold. 

The girl’s mouth opened and closed a few times before her face turned red and she turned and fled. Matthew let his smile drop, and looked up at Gilbert. 

Gilbert, on the other hand, was having a hard time. Matthew had never, ever gotten territorial before. And Gilbert would be lying if he said it was only a little hot. Matthew tilted his head to the side. 

“Are you okay, Gil?” He asked innocently, completely aware of the internal struggle Gilbert was having. He smiled again, and kissed Gilbert’s warm cheek. “Make sure you handle that little problem you have there before we go, or you’re gonna have a rather uncomfortable flight.” Matthew whispered into Gilbert’s ear. Gilbert made a small strange sound as he watched Matthew wink and walked away, his eyes never straying from Matthew’s cute, swaying butt. 

Man, was he glad he bought Matthew those pants. 

.

Mathias felt useless. He wanted to go and comfort Nikolas, but Tino said it was something he had to get through on his own. Mathias was angry at first, but he knew that Tino was right. Even if Mathias fully understood the feeling of being alone, he knew that he could call his mother and she would be home tomorrow. Nikolas didn’t have that luxury. He had his father, sure… but nothing could ever replace a mother’s love. 

He sighed from his seat at the table. Tino put a small arm around him. “I know it’s hard. But he’ll call for you when he is ready.”

Mathias sighed again and took a bite of the soup that had gone cold ages ago. “I know, I know… This sucks. I just wish I could hold him and squeeze him until everything is alright.”

Tino chuckled. “Yeah, I think we all wish we could do that.” He sighed. “But I’m afraid that that’s not how life works, unfortunately.” 

They ate in relative silence until Emil came out of the living room, his eyes red and puffy, his face flushed. Tino stood and scooped him some soup. 

“Thanks.” He said, his voice groggy and wet. 

“Does Nikolas want any?” Tino asked, already pouring more soup into a bowl. Emil only nodded. 

“I’ll take it.” Mathias offered, already standing. He took the warm, steaming bowl from Tino and made his way into the living room. 

He had to hold back a sad sigh when he saw the state Nikolas was in. The man’s hair was a mess. He had taken off the bandage that had been wrapped around his forehead, revealing the massive bruise on the otherwise creamy, smooth skin. He sat with his head hanging back on the blue chair, his arms and legs spread out. He had bags under his closed eyes. His skin was sallow and thin. 

Mathias took a deep breath. “Hey, sweetheart.” He said in a hushed tone, coming further into the warm room. Nikolas groaned softly and turned his head, cracking his red eyes open. “I brought you some soup.” Nikolas lifted an eyebrow. “Don’t worry I won’t feed you again.” 

Mathias could have crumbled from happiness when Nikolas let out a tiny, breathy laugh. Mathias set the bowl down on the coffee table, and turned to Nikolas. “Scoot over.” Nikolas did, albeit a little hesitantly. Mathias squished himself into the chair with Nikolas, who in turn, leaned forward and put his body against Mathias’ arm, his head on his shoulder. 

Mathias intertwined his hand with the other’s. To Mathias’ surprise Nikolas spoke first. “I thought for sure you were going to come in and comfort me.” He whispered, a bit of humor in his tired voice. 

Mathias took a breath before he spoke. “This is something you needed to do alone, and I didn’t want to stop you from crying it all out, you know?”

Nikolas looked up at Mathias, a smile in his eyes. “When did you get so knowledgeable about relationships?” Mathias rubbed the back of his head with his free hand.

“To be honest, Tino told me not to. I figured he was right.” He laughed. “I mean, he is Tino.”

Nikolas laughed too. Mathias closed the eyes at the rare sound that he thought he almost lost. “Can you hand me the bowl? I’m starving.” 

.

“I didn’t think the tunnel would be so… long.” Matthew said as the two made their way through the tunnel to board the plane. Gilbert had taken long enough in the food line for his “little problem” to go away on its own, though he still had to seek revenge. 

Gilbert snorted. “Yeah, it looks shorter on the outside.” He said. 

They reached the door to the plane, and the plane attendants smiled and said their obligatory hello’s to Gilbert, they didn’t even take notice of Matthew when he tripped a little, not that he minded. Or rather, he was used to it. 

Gilbert obviously didn’t like that Matthew was ignored, but let it go for now. Matthew and Gilbert walked through the cushy seats of First Class and through the black dividing curtain. Matthew looked unsure for a second, glancing back at Gilbert, who smiled and gestured him forward until they were around the middle of the cabin. Gilbert took Matthew’s carry- on and put it into the overhead holder, along with his own before sitting down next to Matthew. 

“Watch carefully Mattie, I will show you the ways of getting people to  _ not  _ sit next to you.” Matthew giggled and watched with rapt attention. 

Gilbert already had the added advantage of being Albino, but when he glared at the passing people, it made him even scarier and unapproachable. Matthew rolled his eyes and turned to look out the small window to his right. 

“Um, is it alright if I sit by the window?” Someone asked, and Matthew froze. Of course. Of course no one saw him. He turned to tell the person that he was there, but the look on Gilbert’s face made him stop. His eyes were a darker red then he could remember them ever being and they even made him shiver a little with the way they blazed in anger.

“Are you fucking blind?” He growled out. The person, a man with a small laptop case in his hand, blinked in surprise. 

“Excuse me?”

“I asked if you were blind.” Gilbert said, not paying attention to the people that were starting to get fussy about the line stopping. The man just looked confused. 

“Gil-” Matthew tried, but Gilbert brushed him off.

“There is obviously someone sitting by the window already. And he just happens to be the most gorgeous man in the world, so it is a shame you missed him.”

Gilbert ground out, gesturing to Matthew, who was trying to cool his face down from the out of nowhere complement. The man’s gaze slid to Matthew, and seemed to take a minute to focus on the blushing teen. He blinked in surprise.

“Oh my, I do apologize sir.” He squeaked, and hightailed it further back in the plane.

Gilbert faced back forward and crossed his arms over his chest, grumbling about stupid people and their lack of sight. “Gil?” Matthew whispered.

Gilbert looked to Matthew ready to defend his actions, but didn’t get a chance to because Matthew surged forward and kissed him straight on the lips. It lasted for only a moment before Matthew pulled back. “Thanks, love.” He said, leaning back into his seat. 

Gilbert smiled softly and took Matthew’s hand. “Anytime Birdie.”

No one decided to sit next to Gilbert, and that was fine by him. 

.

Alfred sat at the table, tapping his fingers against the hard wood, over… and over… and over… and-

“Would you please stop that?” Arthur snapped from behind the book he was reading. 

Alfred groaned and leaned back in his chair, stretching his long limbs. “I can’t help it, dad. I’m worried about Mattie.”

Arthur sighed and closed his book. “As am I, but he is an adult and can make his own decisions.” He looked down, a bit sadly. “And besides… Who am I to stop him from doing something. No matter how much what he said hurt, it did have truth.* I wasn’t there for him when he needed me, before the accident and after. I doubt he will ever see me as his real father ever again.”

“Aw, don’t say that dad.” Alfred said. “One day he will. He still needs you… I mean… I … Still need you, so…” Alfred coughed and looked away, embarrassed. 

Arthur coughed as well, uncomfortable. “Well… Thank you, son…” Arthur smiled a bit and decided to change the subject. “So, Alfie?” 

“Yes?” Alfred looked at his father suspiciously. 

“When are you going to find someone to settle down with?” He asked teasingly.

Alfred’s face went cherry red. “Dad! I… uh… No!” Alfred stood up and escaped to his room, and before he shut his door, he yelled out; “It’s not like Mattie has ‘settled down’ either!”

Arthur smirked and mumbled under his breath, opening his book. “Ah, the naivety of youth.”

.

“Ah, Nikolas!” Tino said happily, looking up from the paper he was reading. “How was the soup?” He asked, taking the empty bowl from the boy. 

“It was very nice, Tino.” He answered, leaning heavier on Mathias. He was so tired, but he knew he would get very little sleep tonight.

Mathias led him to the table and helped him sit down. “What were you reading Tino?” Mathias asked, sliding the piece paper closer to himself. 

“Oh, it’s just something I thought we could go do, bring the spirits in this house a bit.” Tino said, quickly.

“A German market?” Mathias asked. “This looks like it’s outside. Are you sure you could do it Tino?” 

Tino huffed and nodded. “Of course I could. It’s in two days, so hopefully we all could go.” Tino said, turning back to the sink, a little downtrodden. 

“Let’s do it.” Nikolas said, determined. 

Tino twirled back around, clapping his hands together. “Really!?” Nikolas smiled and nodded. 

“I should be at least a little better by then. We could go for a few hours.” Nikolas said, putting his head in his head. 

Mathias still didn’t looked convinced. “Have you asked Ber, Tino?” He asked, his eyebrows knitted together. He didn’t want to be mean to Tino, but this was his fragile health they were talking about. And Mathias couldn’t lose Tino… He just couldn’t.

Tino crossed his arms over his sweater clad chest, getting more angry. “I don’t have to ask you or Berwald for permission to do anything.”

Then a heavy voice responded from the door. “Ask permission for what?” Berwald asked, looking to Tino. Tino looked down. Mathias answered instead. 

“To go to the German market in two days.” 

“Tino-” Berwald started but Tino cut him off.

“I don’t care what you say, I’m going!” He shouted. Everyone’s eyes widened. Tino never shouted. “I’m tired of asking for permission for everything! I’m a grown man!”

Berwald took a step forward. “Tino, but your health-”

“Shut up about my health, Berwald! Did you ever stop to think that my health is the reason I  _ want _ to do things before…” Tino choked. Berwald tried to put his hand on Tino’s arm but Tino slapped him away, another thing he had never done. “Don’t touch me.” He wiped his eyes. “I’m going.”

“Please Tino-” Berwald said, his own voice choking up. 

“No, Berwald!” He shouted, his voice breaking. “You’re suffocating me!” He brushed past a frozen Berwald and went to the door. “Let me live before I die.” He whispered. 

They stayed in frozen silence. Berwald turned to the door and stopped. He looked to Mathias and Nikolas, desperation making his usually glare disappear. Mathias looked to Nikolas, who had stood up.

“I’ll… I’ll go talk to him.” He whispered, stumbling out of the room, hoping Tino hadn’t gone up the stairs because he wasn’t sure if he would have made it.

Back in the kitchen, Berwald collapsed in the chair across from Mathias. They were both still shocked at what had just happened. 

Mathias looked to Berwald when he heard him sniffle. He jolted when he realized; Berwald the stone wall, was  _ crying. _

Mathias had no idea what to say. Berwald cradled his head in his hands. Mathias rubbed the back of his head. How was he supposed to comfort someone who had never needed comfort before. Sure, he and Berwald didn’t ever really get along the best, but the guy was still his cousin, and he practically raised him. He didn’t want to see him like this, but what could he  _ do _ ? He was so into his own mind he almost missed what Berwald said through his choking tears, and it nearly made Mathias’ heart crumble too.

“He’s never called me Berwald before… What have I done? What have I done to my wife?” He sobbed.

Mathias wanted to sob right along with him.  


	6. Yay

Nikolas found Tino. He hadn’t gone up the stairs, thank God. He was curled up in the blue chair in the living room, his face in his knees and a blanket wrapped around him. Nikolas heard him sniffle a few times. He sighed sadly and quite literally dropped himself into the chair next to Tino. 

He was so tired, and all he wanted to do was cuddle with Mathias and sleep. Not that he would tell Mathias that. He had a big enough head already. 

Nikolas grabbed Tino’s hand and squeezed it. Tino peaked over his knee and dropped them, seeing that it was Nikolas. His face was red and wet with tears. His soft violet eyes were bloodshot and glassy. 

“I ju- just wanted to have some fun…” Tino muttered through wet hiccups. Nikolas nodded. “I haven’t left this house for anything fun in  _ years _ .” He rubbed his forehead. Nikolas leaned back in his chair. 

“I wouldn’t mind a bit of fun myself. It’s been a long time since I have had fun,” Nikolas sighed. Tino laughed a little through his hiccups. Nikolas smiled at him. “What?”

“It’s kinda sad to hear from a 17 year old kid that they haven’t had fun in a long time. Your life should be nothing but good times, and fun.” 

Nikolas shrugged, “I haven’t been given the best lot in life, but I tried to make Emil’s life as fun as I possibly could, you know. I wanted him to be free of it all… Amos, my mother, me sometimes.” He put his arm over his face as Tino nodded sadly. “But I still failed at that. Amos still… hurt Emil.” 

“You know?” Tino gasped, his violet eyes wide. 

“Of course I knew. When someone… does… something like that to someone, you can just tell. It’s in the way they walk, the way they hold themselves.” Nikolas scrubbed at his tired, tired eyes. “What I don’t get is, why he didn’t tell me? Does he not trust me that much? Have I failed him so much?” 

Tino took Nikolas’s free hand. “Don’t say that. I’m sure you did your very best, and I am positive that Emil trusts you more than he trusts himself.” Tino took a deep breath. “But sometimes, it is hard to tell the people you love that something like that has happened, because they don’t want you to hate them. Maybe Emil doesn’t want you to think that all that protecting you did was for nothing.”

Nikolas wiped at his eyes. “What about Berwald?” Tino stiffened. “He just wants what is best for you, too. I know it can be overbearing, and exhausting at times, but he is just trying his best too.”

Tears spilled over Tino’s eyes once again. “I know… I know he loves me, and that he just wants what is best.” He covered his face with his hands. “I can’t believe I said those terrible things to him, Nik.. What do I do?”

“I think the first step is to apologize.” Nikolas said, using all of his remaining energy to stand. He swayed slightly, but put out his hand anyway. “Now come on. I’m sure he has a few things to say to you as well.”

…

Matthew didn’t know that planes could be so quiet. Earlier that morning when they had first started flying, there was always a background noise of people typing or murmuring to themselves, the everpresent cry of a baby. 

But now, as Matthew looked around and listened, it was silent. He could only hear the engines of the plane, and the soft breathing of Gilbert. Gilbert was leaning against Matthew, his head on the others shoulder. He had fallen asleep about an hour ago.

Matthew found that he couldn’t seem to fall asleep. He had taken small naps, but sleeping seemed unattainable. 

He looked at Gilbert’s sleeping face. He seemed so peaceful, so quiet when he slept. Matthew knew that he was afraid for this friend he had. He wondered if he would be able to get along with her as well as Gilbert did. Probably not. 

But this wasn’t about him. This was about Gilbert, so he would not wallow in self pity about not being noticed. Matthew took Gilbert’s hand and squeezed it lightly. 

For Gilbert’s sake, he hoped that this friend was alright.

…

Mathias and Berwald sat in semi awkward silence at the table. Berwald had long since stopped crying, but his eyes were red and puffy, and he wouldn’t look Mathias in the eye. 

Mathias, meanwhile, felt like the most useless human being on the face of the planet. He hadn’t, and still didn’t, know what to say to Berwald. They didn’t really get along in the best of times, so what could he say in the worst? 

The poor man was suffering, and he couldn’t do anything about it. Just like he couldn’t do anything about Nikolas’ situation. Or Emil’s. He sighed and rubbed his face. Berwald just shifted in his chair awkwardly. 

It was almost becoming unbearable until they heard someone open the kitchen door. Berwald turned around so fast, Mathias was worried he was going to have whiplash. 

Tino stood at the door, his hands fisting his sweater, his eyes wet. Mathias tried to look past Tino, but couldn’t find who he was looking for.

“Where’s-”

“He’s still on the couch,” Tino said, sniffling. “He doesn’t have the energy to walk up the stairs by himself.” 

Mathias nodded. “I’ll leave you two to talk.” He walked out of the kitchen, but not before patting Berwald on the shoulder.

Once he had left, Tino and Berwald stood in uncomfortable silence. Neither one knew what to say. They have never fought before. Tino opened his mouth to say something, but Berwald beat him to it. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Tino sniffled before tears started to fall down his face. “W-Why are you sorry?” He asked, wiping the quickly falling tears off his face. “You didn’t do anything w- wrong!” He cried. Berwald stood and walked to Tino, and put his hand on Tino’s arm. 

“I am smothering you. It isn’t fair of me to not let you do anything.” 

“Bu -but all you were trying to do was protect me.” 

“Be that as it may, you are strong enough. You know your limits. I shouldn’t stop you from living your life.” 

Tino started to cry harder. “You are my life Ber… But I just want to have fun sometimes.” 

Berwald wrapped his arms around Tino and let him cry into his chest. Tino’s arms didn’t fit all the way around Berwald. “I know. We can go to the festival.”

Tino hugged Berwald harder. “And you can bring as many blankets as you want.” 

Berwald chuckled. He pushed Tino away, only to kiss him softly. “I know other ways to keep you warm.” 

…

Mathias came to the living room and sat next to Nikolas, who was typing something on his phone. 

“Who are you talking to?” 

Nikolas smiled a little and leaned onto Mathias’ shoulder. “Mattie. They just landed in Berlin.” 

Mathias nodded. Nikolas put his phone on the coffee table and closed his heavy eyes. Mathias smiled. “Do you wanna go to bed?”

Nikolas sighed, “No… can we just… stay here, like this for awhile?”

Mathias kissed Nikolas’ temple. “Sure.” 

“Yay.” 

They sat together, Nikolas’ head on Mathias’ shoulder for what felt like hours. 

Mathias smiled softly when he watched Berwald carry a cherry red Tino up the stairs. Eventually, he heard Nikolas’ breathing even out, and he knew that the other boy had fallen asleep. He carefully picked Nikolas up from the couch and carried him bridal style to his own room. As he was putting Nikolas down, he woke up.

“Hey hon.” Mathias whispered, pulling the blanket onto Nikolas. Nikolas looked at Mathias, and Mathias looked back. “What?” 

Nikolas put his hand on Mathias’ face and pulled it to his. They kissed softly, gently. When they pulled away, Mathias felt his heart twist and his breath catch. Nikolas’ eyes were blazing blue even in the dark. His mouth was slightly open and his cheeks were red. 

“What is it Nik?” Mathias asked again, caressing Nikolas’ face. 

“I want you so, so bad…” Nikolas’ voice cracked, “but I’m so scared Mathias.” Nikolas started to tremble. “I’m so fucking terrified, and it’s killing me.” 

“Shhh,” Mathias cooed, folding his fingers through Nikolas’ hair. “I know you’re scared. We’ll go at your pace, and if you ever feel unsafe or, or pressured, just, I don’t know, kick me.” 

Nikolas let out a small laugh his eyes starting to close. “Mathias?” 

Mathias crawled over Nikolas before laying down with his back to the wall and hugging Nikolas to his chest from behind. “Yeah?”

The next words were only a whisper, barely loud enough for Mathias to hear, but they shook his entire universe. 

“I think… I love you.”


End file.
